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Advice For Women

Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior , and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing, your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-trunk boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love, we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should, he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it gain to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present. And don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Too Blessed to be Stressed!

 

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BAR JOKE

A drunk orders himself a beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?

 

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